new mutt

do you want me to be honest?  i really like you.  i think the work you do is amazing, you’re super rad to talk to and you’re a total babe.  it would be cool if we could hang out sometime.    

i would like to be honest but it’s really hard.  i wonder, how come i can never be honest with my intimate feelings for people?  when i am into someone, i feel unworthy of love, guilty that someone would take the time to get to know me, ashamed to feel affection and afraid of rejection that would just affirm all my feelings of inadequacy.  i cry as i write this because these feelings hurt.  they are so real.

i really think that i missed out on something really important when i was growing up.  i’m intimidated because no matter how tall a person is, it feels like they are standing over me, looking down. .  i was such a sour kid at times.  i was lying to teachers, cheating on tests and stealing pokemon cards from kids in the playground way before i left elementary school.  i pause, take a break to disassociate.  this is a part of my process.  i’m sure i was taught morals growing up but i did not understand the significance between right or wrong.  i never knew how to express how i felt, not even in the most basic sense.  i never knew how to say i needed something, how to say i was angry at someone or to tell someone that i was bothered.  i never learned how to express that i cared for someone, that i appreciated their time, that i loved them.  i learned how to kiss but never how to hug.  i never knew i had a voice.

i missed out on even more when i started to use drugs.  submerged in weed smoke, coming up to take breathes of meth.  i treaded lightly with alcohol with daily shots of k.  i’m a bottler.  i stuff my feelings deep and continue to stuff my feelings deep down until i can’t take it.  my neglected, unexpressed discontentment is pressure cooked.  my voice become terror.

let me be blunt because i am usually not.  i have a hard time with nakedness, with skin and with my heart.  i can be all in my head thinking: yeah i’m super into this person, they’re awesome, i really want to get to know them and collaborate on projects with them.  i usually stay in my head, thinking and neglecting the acting.  i would like to say i can take rejection and i really think i can but it’s just that i try to avoid it at all costs.  so i just never take the risk at all.

could we kiss and not be lovers?  i want to do it.  just for the touch.  just for the feel of your chapped lips brushed against my tempered check.  can we can and not be in love?  i just want to be friends and have this never end.

no one has taught me how to emotionally talk with people.  i never picked up on flirting because i picked up drugs.  i used drugs because i wanted to get high and say fuck it to everything else.  i still have never picked up on flirting.  i express this concern to friends and get “oh you know, it’s not something i can explain to you.  you just do it.  it’s something you pick up on.”  how do i express my affectionate feelings for someone?  this is my dilemma: i have challenges communicating my feelings, multiplied by my distance with intimacy and magnified by my fears to avoid rejection.  i have a complicated relationship with many things, including nakedness.

i am trying to live free, to let the tears drop without resistance.  i am trying to show a little bit of skin, to open up my heart and spirit to the possibilities with others.  not too long ago, i learned how to hug.  i learned how to embrace, and accept the embrace of another person’s body without the fear of getting too close.  i am learning to allow myself to feel, to feel my emotional realness in the moment and to no fret over it.  i am learning to show some skin and take some risks.

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